Thursday, November 5, 2009

Doubts

Oh Internetz, I hope some of you are out there because I need some listening ears.

First, my thanks to all those who helped me out in my last post! You? Awesome. The Provera has in fact kicked my period into full gear and after much going back and forth, I now know that yesterday was in fact my true Day 1 and the day before was just some spotting to get the ball rolling.

So here's where I'm at.

Both Irish Boy and my Naturopathic Doctor (ND) are on the 'wait to start treatments until the New Year' side of the fence. Reasons? Irish Boy and I just joined the gym (and we're actually going) and I'm making some progress with my naturopathic treatments. Their major reasons that they think waiting would be good is the potential for me to lose 5 - 10% of my body weight, especially now that we've been serious about eating and actually working out.

If I may pause here for a moment, Internetz, let me be clear here that none of my doctors (at the fertility clinic or otherwise) are 'fat phobes' and my weight (I'm not a tiny girl!) has never been made an issue. But if I may be honest with you, I've struggled with my weight all my life. At the moment, it's not great, and ultimately, a loss of 5 - 10% would be really good for me for more than just fertility reasons. I'd still have ways to go for sure, but for me personally, I believe that my weight is part of what's made conceiving difficult. (There's more to say here clearly, but I'm on limited time. Let's just say I connect it with my insulin resistance, etc.)

All this said, I'm now on Day 2 of a true and proper period. It's the way a period is supposed to be. My mortal enemy Provera has come through.

So now I'm freaking out and have my head spinning all over the place. What do I do? Do I go back to treatments this month or wait it out until the new year a la Irish Boy and ND's advice? Will the weight loss make THAT much of a difference? Is the fact that Provera has blessed me with a proper period a good sign? Or does that even matter?

There's a strong feeling my stomach that I HAVE to get back to treatments. Like now. I feel like I've been out of the game for a while and for my own sanity I have to at least start trying again. If I don't do a cycle now, I will not do one until the new year because with holiday stuff in December, we just can't do one.

But that could be my post-PMS craziness talking and maybe I'm full of shit?

I also have to note that this is likely our last injectible cycle that insurance will cover. Which means if it didn't work, we're on our own and finances will certainly be a struggle.

I know I'm all over the place. I know I'm neurotic at the moment, forgive me for that. But what would you do?

Thinking about the money - and about the weight - would you wait? Am I wiser to listen to some (sage) advice and focus right now on continuing to lose some weight and eat right, potentially increasing our chances in January?

Oh Internetz, if you read this and have a thought, could you spare it for me? I have to call the clinic with a decision this afternoon either way.

Thank you.

PS - Hopefully my fucking sanity will be restored shortly and I owe you a non-neurotic post!

17 comments:

TeeJay said...

If it were me and I had insurance coverage...I'd go for it. Especially since you really FEEL like you need to. I hated putting a cycle off for any reason. I don't know how much I believe that weight affects fertility. I'm sure it does to some degree, but I know quite a few "bigger" women that concieved just fine. It's a tough call, but if it were me, I would cycle now.

addingtothepack said...

Oh that's tough. Our situations are so similar -- only in my case it's OOP now, insurance coverage in January. But, in the end, it is really my mental health that tipped the scales to trying to fit in another treatment cycle this year (if possible). I also have weight to lose, but if I'm in a mental health tail spin then losing weight is going to be 10 times harder, if not impossible, anyway...so we're doing treatments and working on the weight concurrently.

If it were just weight and money, I'd wait until the first of the year in your shoes, but mental health trumps both.

lowfatlady said...

It is up to you and what you think is the best. Do you think that you will keep losing the weight and keep going? Do you feel helpless and frustrated when you aren't doing anything for your cycle? good luck in making the decision, it's a hard one.

Marla.z said...

Gosh, I gotta say, if it were me, and I was lucky enough to have the IF insurance coverage, I would wait until my weight was optimal. If the money wasn't an issue, then I'd do it now, but I'm at a different state in my IF than you. We have just been bled dry by IF tx's (no coverage whatsoever). So, I would want everything to be perfect for the covered cycle.

Good luck with this decision!

kp said...

Quite the decision. Are you positive about insurance coverage? I know lots of plans make changes - especially with the economy - for example, mine is switching (lesser coverage) in December. First I would double check on that.

It might be a good idea to wait it out and "save" that insured cycle for when you're at tip-top shape, but, if you're anything like me, it kills you to sit out a cycle.

Good luck, and I hope you come to a decision that's right for you both!

Circus Princess said...

It actually sounds like you would do best waiting. Get yourself in great condition, physically and mentally. Especially with this being your final insured cycle, make it count :)

Just my two cents.

zengirl said...

I don't know how much weight counts towards fertility. My TCM doc says it's not a factor unless you are obese. But in my own personal experience, I did coincidentally get pregnant when I had lost weight going to the gym, training for skiing. And now that I've put it all back on, I CAN'T get pregnant. Maybe there is a link...?

I know having a baby these days isn't cheap, but if money is a real issue, then I would say postpone it till January. It's not that far away. Hopefully you'll have better quality eggs and sperm for the treatment cycle by then, whereby increasing your chances of success. In the meantime, it would be a good idea to focus on exercise and diet. Anyway, you can still continue trying au naturelle. All you need is one sperm and one egg right? And don't forget - pregnancies sometimes happen when you're NOT even trying! LOL!

Mrs. Gamgee said...

Wow... I imagine you have already made your decision at this point, but I thought I would throw in my two cents.

I hated our self-imposed ttc break. I mean really and truly hated it. Even now, two months later, I still sort of regret the 'wasted' time.

That being said, if you look at the time as preparation, laying the groundwork for an exceptional cycle, that might make it easier to wait.

I will be praying that you find peace with your decision.

Chasing a Miracle said...

Tough one...
Before you involved money.. i was thinking go for it, yes the loosing of weight might help a little, but the thing is... i have basically been told to stop exercising... sooo i mean who knows.. i think if you eat healthy and aim for a healthy life style, you will be okay.. just cut out the naughties...

Now i am a strong believer of go for it, and plus, if you 'take a break' you will only be thinking of it ALL THE TIME!

And to address the insurance and money thing, my DH and i have always approached it with a 'lets take money out of the equation' attitude... because this is more than money... this is your life, and when you think about it, yes we need money to survive... but can you survive with out a child?

Tough desissions, make sure you are sure and that you do what your gut tells you... make sure yuo are at peace with your desissions..

thats all i got... praying and hoping for you

Michelle said...

Gotta go with your gut, even if it is a PMS gut feeling, go with it. I also agree with the others that mental health comes before the weight and money. If you can afford the cycle, go for it.

irrationalexuberance said...

because you need yet ANOTHER perspective...
if you have one covered cycle left (and I would confirm that insurance has not changed...) and you are committed to getting your weight down a bit, then I would try to push through it for the end of the year and do the cycle then... because if it doesn't work this time, then you will be kicking yourself that you didn't have all of the conditions just so. But I'm also sympathetic to the "let's not waste time" view...
Good luck with the choice!

Pregnant Yuppy said...

Obviously only you and Irish Boy can make this decision. Meditate on it and go with what feels right for you.

Best of luck!

Queen D said...

It's a tough place to be. Trust what your body is telling you. Sometimes that inner voice is so strong it's hard to ignore.

Mad Hatter said...

I know I'm late to the table here, and you've made your decision already. If it were me, I would listen to my ND and wait until the new year to do IVF, but (and forgive me if for some reason this isn't possible) do an IUI in the meantime. If an IUI isn't possible, I would still try naturally (if possible). And if trying naturally weren't possible, I would still listen to the ND and wait. Regardless of what you decide to do, we will all be here, cheering you on!!!
Love,
Maddy

Jennifer said...

I would definitely take advantage of your insurance benefits while you can. In my opinion, when the financial burden is lighter it makes EVERYTHING less stressful.

I would also start up again with your treatments. I got back to acupuncture the week after the miscarriage for two reasons: they made me feel better and I wanted to get a jump start on prepping for our next cycle(s).

With regard to the weight, I wouldn't wait until you've lost the 5 - 10%. If your doctors haven't expressed any concerns, I wouldn't see it as something I *had* to do. Could we all lose a few pounds? Sure.

I think you ought to work out to help alleviate the stress of all of this - you KNOW you feel better when you've exercised - and try to think of any weight loss as a happy side-effect!

Am I making any sense? It's late and I'm tired and about to drop dead. I'm here for you, whatever you decide to do! XOXO

Wait, What? said...

It's a tough call, I think you should trust your instincts.

minname said...

there is nothing like a fresh start and the new year would certainly bring that for you guys. but trust your gut on this... eating right and loosing weight is always going to be there... some days good ... some days bad... just keep on going.

holding onto that last insurance covered attempt for the new year does give you guys more time to start financially planning for another attempt if needed... but having the stress of coming up with the funds just after the holidays could keep you from trying for another month or two...

... just my rambling thoughts

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