Warning: Nonsensical rant filled with swears ahead.
I seem to be in the midst of an ongoing stressful time at work. It started in August and seems to have kept going, and going, and going with one issue after another cropping up.
I’ll admit, I haven’t been dealing as well with the stress lately as I’d like to. I’m irritable, cranky, and just plain sad at times.
In the midst of the work stress, I was somewhat relieved to be on a self-declared “spawning break” because there are times that I feel so uptight, I wonder if that would affect my chances anyways?
I’ve also been dealing with a number of friends who are expecting/having their babies, which is wonderful yes, but also making me bat shit crazy at times.
Tonight, Internetz, welcome to my meltdown.
I just received a message via Facebook (damn you, FB!) from my godparent’s daughter - who is 7 years younger than me - announcing that she’s pregnant.
In time, I will be thrilled for her. Right now, I’m shaking, and choking back sobs in the hopes that the tears won’t start to flow.
What the FUCK.
Why am I still on a bloody “break”?
Why? In part, yes, I’m trying to lose some weight and establish an exercise routine that I can continue no matter what.
The other part? Because I’m scared. Because I’m tired. Because I’m not sure I can deal with another “Not this month!” Because I’m absolutely, bloody terrified to fail. AGAIN.
What if my body isn’t meant to get pregnant? Fuck, we have enough stuff against us.
Internetz, why can’t it be me? Why can’t it be us?