Thursday, October 8, 2009

Meltdown

Warning: Nonsensical rant filled with swears ahead.

I seem to be in the midst of an ongoing stressful time at work. It started in August and seems to have kept going, and going, and going with one issue after another cropping up.

I’ll admit, I haven’t been dealing as well with the stress lately as I’d like to. I’m irritable, cranky, and just plain sad at times.

In the midst of the work stress, I was somewhat relieved to be on a self-declared “spawning break” because there are times that I feel so uptight, I wonder if that would affect my chances anyways?

I’ve also been dealing with a number of friends who are expecting/having their babies, which is wonderful yes, but also making me bat shit crazy at times.

Tonight, Internetz, welcome to my meltdown.

I just received a message via Facebook (damn you, FB!) from my godparent’s daughter - who is 7 years younger than me - announcing that she’s pregnant.

In time, I will be thrilled for her. Right now, I’m shaking, and choking back sobs in the hopes that the tears won’t start to flow.

Too late.

What the FUCK.

Why am I still on a bloody “break”?

Why? In part, yes, I’m trying to lose some weight and establish an exercise routine that I can continue no matter what.

The other part? Because I’m scared. Because I’m tired. Because I’m not sure I can deal with another “Not this month!” Because I’m absolutely, bloody terrified to fail. AGAIN.

What if my body isn’t meant to get pregnant? Fuck, we have enough stuff against us.

Internetz, why can’t it be me? Why can’t it be us?

20 comments:

PCOSChick said...

Aww hun **big hugs** I feel your pain, I truly do. This is all so unfair for all of us! I am sorry all this stress is getting to you. Just know all of us are here for you, no matter what

babyincredible said...

so sorry. love you.

durbindiary said...

Seriously!! It is so hard to hear of others, especially when they are younger, and then you always hear of people doing horrible things to their children on the news. So undeserving. My 19 year old sister in law has had two abortions and takes the morning after pill religiously and guess what? She is pregnant! Talk about feeling like being stabbed in the heart );

Mad Hatter said...

Damn you, Facebook! I'm hardly ever on the thing anymore now that I've discovered a much deeper, more substantial sort of Internet forum for friendship...Listen, lady...we all need breaks. And even your breaks don't count as breaks because really, you're taking care of yourself with acupuncture and naturopathy and finding an exercise routine and all that...and I'm sure you're having sex somewhere in there sometimes, and even with all the challeges and issues we're all so aware of about ourselves, you really really really REALLY never know when that dynamite sperm will forge ahead and meet that foxy egg and magic will happen. I'm sorry you are having such a crummy time at work...Can you steal a mental health "sick" day here and there to help yourself to get some balance? Any vacation days left that you can use? All that dampness and liver congestion needs to be taken care of - I, too, wish we could sit down together with a cup of tea and chat! I have NO IDEA where you live, but e-mail me and maybe we can even figure out a (gasp) telephone tea chat...?
verymadhatter@live.com

liberalgranolagirl said...

*hugs*, seriously HUGE ones. I know that feeling and it's no fun at all. We're all allowed to have breaks and breakdowns. I am a firm believer that a good old fashioned toddler style temper tantrum can be amazingly cleansing.

liberalgranolagirl said...

*hugs*, seriously HUGE ones. I know that feeling and it's no fun at all. We're all allowed to have breaks and breakdowns. I am a firm believer that a good old fashioned toddler style temper tantrum can be amazingly cleansing.

Cheryl said...

Feelin your pain! more *hugs*... HUMPH to the whole thing!... if i had anything inspirational to say that would make the situation better i would, but i know in my heart that words can never really heal, and sometimes the best thing to do is scream at the top of your lungs 'I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE!' this was my rant....

http://100daysofivf.com/2009/09/day-six-have-you-ever/

maybe it will make you smile a little, and know that you are not alone...

jenicini said...

Erg. Blasted facebook pregnancy announcements. It seems they come in waves and hit you when you're down, or waiting, or taking a break because you freaking need one.

I know you have been stressed and busy at work for the past month. I'm hoping that this wave of stress will pass soon so that you can get down to the business of having a real break and getting on your exercise plan. Lots of hugs to you tonight.

Shannon said...

Personally, when things are stressful, I console myself with this thought: God has a sense of humor. I am certain of this, because I'm certain that I'm His joke.

I wish I could make it better! Babies for everyone!

Jessica said...

I'm so sorry. Facebook is all about announcing your pregnancy, complaining about your pregnancy, posting your belly pics, posting baby pics, and talking about your children NONSTOP. We just don't have much in common with most of the people we are close to...unfortunately. I have to hide a lot of the status updates because it makes me sick to my stomach. You try soooo hard to be happy for these people, but it's normal to be bitter and melting inside. Keep your head up...we will get through this together. Blogspot is a much better community than FB...a lot more support on here! We WILL be mommies one day...please keep the faith:)

minname said...

Just keep letting it out! We are all here to listen.

The HSG completely has me questioning this TTC crap and if I'm really strong enough... just another blip on the journey to motherhood I suppose but why can't we be like those who 'oops' or 'we got pregnant the first month we tried'. Why are we going through it and what the F does it all mean?!?!?,!!!!!!

Thinking about you!

Our Shrine.. said...

I'm sorry! I came across your blog on Conceive. I empathize with you. We are in the same boat, been trying over 3 years, and I need to lose weight to help the process. I wish you all the best. I know it will happen for us one day. Keep your head up!

Trish

Circus Princess said...

BIG HUG!!!!! I've been where you are too many times to count, and every single time stinks :-(
I can't help but think that some day it will be our time, to announce on fb, to show off baby bump in line at supermarket, to have a baby shower. Some day soon we hope :-)

Dot said...

Famn Ducking FB annoucement ! Why can't other people think ! I just want to give you a big hug ((((HUG)))). It hurts because we want it sooo much, it hurts and it is okay...

lowfatlady said...

*hug* I'm sorry. I don't know why it's not us and other people who love to make announcements on facebook. It drives me crazy too.

Michelle said...

I love this part of your post today "bat shit crazy at times.".
Bat shit crazy is such a good description of how I feel about friends being pregnant. :)
Feel better!!

Tina said...

I am so sorry. It is so hard to go through IF as is, but then you throw in people getting pregnant around you with seemingly no problems, and IT SUCKS. It really does. I pretty much took a hiatus from FB because I couldn't handle the pregnancy announcements/updates. It was unhealthy for me. I was breaking down and crying ALL THE TIME BECAUSE OF IT.

Thinking of you and I hope that everything gets better for you.

Wait, What? said...

I agree with previous posters about the evils of Facebook. I just cut myself off cold turkey after I had to endure one too many baby announcements.

IF sucks and it is completely unfair.

I hope you feel better soon.

zengirl said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling so stressed and down. Cry it all out if you feel like it- god gave us tearducts for a reason.

I think I am the last person on earth who hasn't joined FB. I refuse to. You just gave me another good reason to keep it that way!

I don't know why we IF sisters have it so bad. Our road to our goal seems to be much longer than others. But keep your chin up, hang in there and just keep going. I leave you with this inspirational chinese proverb that keeps me going:

"Be not afraid of going slowly-Be afraid only of standing still"

As long as we keep going, no matter how slowly, we'll get there eventually.I'm sending you lots of hugs and zen vibes your way...

Beautiful Mess said...

I'm so sorry, love. Sending you lots of love and a GREAT big HUG!!!!

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