Friday, September 11, 2009

On the fence

Internetz, I am a true Libra - I suck at making decisions! Seriously. I do. Ask me what I want for dinner? I don't know. What do you want? Ask me about plans for my day off? Well gee, should it be shopping or just take it easy at home? Gosh, I don't know. What colour nail polish do I want for my pedicure? Oh my, but there are so many choices! Should I go for this one or that one? Which one would you choose? You get the idea.

And those are little decisions. Big decisions - now those are even worse. I do believe in trusting one's gut - but what do you do when your gut is turned upside down and inside out?

I'm on the fence at the moment, Internetz. As you know, my spawning break is coming to an impending close with the arrival of my next period. This means a return to my good 'friend' the ultrasound wand (henceforth known as Wandy) and of course the many, many needles in the hopes of getting set up for a dIUI.

Here's the thing. During my break I was hoping to really get time to focus on losing some weight and setting myself up with a reasonable exercise routine that I could continue throughout my efforts - and perhaps even into pregnancy should I be so lucky. This really is essential for me. Both the ND and RE have been promoting lifestyle changes.

Not trying to make excuses, but some of the work that was started during my holidays in July were basically thrown out the window in August which turned out to be the MONTH. FROM. HELL. At work.

I had hoped to lose between 5 - 10% of my body weight before we got back into treatments. I'm sure many of you have read the studies that promote that little bit of weight loss being a good thing for those trying to spawn - especially when they have some weight to lose - which I do.

Well due to reverting back to my stress eating ways in August (yes, I know I need to work on that - but that's a whole other post), I'm not quite at my 5% goal. And to be honest I'd hoped to be closer to my 10% by the time I went back to treatments because I know for me personally, that would be even better. That said, I have lost a bit of weight, but likely not enough to be considered significant.

So, here I am. Sitting on the fence. Not able to make a bloody decision for the life of me. Do I wait a bit longer and get down to business hoping that by the end of October I'm at my 5% and on my way to the 10% goal and get started then? Or do I just start when my period (hopefully) arrives at the end of September? Will losing the weight make that much of a difference? Will not losing it make the difference?

My birthday is in October - and I will be 34. There I said it. I don't think 34 is "old" for fertility or otherwise by any stretch - and I'm not a birthday hater. But does age make more of a difference than weight? Would waiting until late October or even November and losing 10% of weight mean more than being 34? Am I making any sense?

God I suck at decisions! I always second guess myself. So, we need a list of pros and cons of waiting even longer to return to spawning:

  • Potential for 5 - 10% of weight loss completed by the time I return to treatment.
  • Exercise routine on track.
  • More time with ND to work with acupuncture and other TCM therapies.
  • More time with ND means more time to work on getting my period to arrive naturally and within 35 days.
  • Life and work likely to get busier and busier - what if the weight loss/exercise doesn't happen and I'm just wasting month after month.
  • Longer time away from needles and Wandy makes me feel very stressed. The longer I wait, the more anxious I may get - or the more terrified I feel to return to all of this.
  • Another birthday is coming up. That's not a major issue - but it is what it is.
  • What happens if this coming month was THE month? Is that even possible?
Internetz, I am indeed losing my mind. I have decisions I need to make - and fairly soon. It is now CD-23 and hopefully my period will arrive on it's own in the next 10 days or so.

But if it doesn't, yours truly has her very first prescription for Provera, which is supposed to be cashed in by CD-35 if my period hasn't arrived. So by then at the latest, I need to know what I'm doing. If we're going ahead with treatment, I'll start the Provera if need be. If we're not, I'll hang on to the prescription and see what acupuncture and nature brings and when.

Oh Internetz, it's lonely on the fence! I know that this is ultimately my decision (our decision - I haven't forgotten about you Irish Boy!) - but now you see how horrific I am at decisions I certainly would appreciate your thoughts.


jenicini said...

Being a fellow Libra, I can identify with the constant vacillation between points on a decision. I've been similarly considering my weight and infertility treatments. Although I can't remember where I read it, I remember something about the numbers being 4% chance less of getting pregnant for every number over a BMI of 29. Eek.

With your gut all twisty, I would definitely consider whether or not you will really do this. Is it realistic during the holidays for you? Then ask your RE which is the worst--weight or a few months wait.

Here's to decision making! (Clinking my imaginary margarita) :D

junebug said...

Well, I started tcing when I was 31. I had/have weight to lose. I was more worried about my age though. For me weight has turned out to be more of a problem. Now at 37 I have chosen to focus completely on the weight. I try to take solace in the news of all these 40 year old's having babies. 34 is still young. My dr.'s were more concerned around 35. It is a tough decision. Personally I finally decided that losing the weight would be better for me and the possibly future baby in the long run. I changed my focus and since June I have lost 35pds. I should be ready to try again in January when I will hopefully have lost another 60 pds. However, the best decision is the one that makes you feel the most comfortable and that you feel is most realistic. TCing is full of too many darn choices and decisions. Hugs! I hope you find a good solution that works for you. :-)

Fran said...

You poor thing! Decision time is just around the corner and you need to jump off that fence whether is back or forward. So let's see. I'll be 35 next week and when I found out last month we were having an ectopic again I panicked no end. Mostly I was thinking "my eggs are going to be crap from now on" and Mike (a Libra by the way!) was saying "come on, is not like there is a timer that goes off on your birthday!" So even though I could go for another round before Christmas - provided the HCG goes down to zero - I think I'll hold off until I feel I'm really ready.
In your case, if you go for the dIUI next month, and say it doens't work, you need to make sure you want blame yourself for not having lost more weight. If you wait another month, your weight is on track and the dIUI doesn't work, you have to make sure you don't start thinking that you suddently are too old. So whichever way you decide to jump will be perfectly fine, provided that you won't look back. With all my love, Fran

Anonymous said...

If I were you I would still go ahead this month because I am impatient. I would ask your doctor if weight really makes that huge amount of a difference. It also depends on if you will 100% buckle down on the exercise in the near future and if you will have issues with the holidays. Good luck with everything!

Circus Princess said...

Why not do both? Keep living healthy, eat green and loose weight, but go ahead with the baby making. Balance is a good thing and possibly more important than one thing over the other.

Either way, Best of luck to you :)

Anonymous said...

I'm with Circus Princess, what about doing both?

Mad Hatter said...

Oh,FC, I feel your pain. For what it's worth, something I have learned and bought into is that each number, whether it be weight, age, hormone levels, sperm count, etc., are JUST ONE factor. So weight is one and age is another. I think what is most important is your stress level and your overall well-being, and I would suggest choosing whichever path will give you the most health and peace of mind.

Melissa G said...

I was on that fence myself recently. I only have about 5-10% to loose as well. My acupuncturist said that I should continue cycling, and make extremely healthy choices with food. But NO drastic changes. No crazy exercise routines. Fast paced walking at most, or just really long walks are fine. LOTS of leafy greens. Less pizza.

BTW, I am a stress eater too. I use self entitlement as my excuse. "I've had a bad day, how's about pancakes and bacon for dinner???" Ugh. I totally get it.

Megan said...

If it were me, I'd do as Circus Princess suggested and continue to try to lose the weight, but also go forward with treatments.

Queen D said...

If you think you can swing it I'd also say try do both. I've also got some to loose, I'm trying to eat healthier and add more exercise into my life.

Jenny said...

I am such a classic Libra...I dread decisions..I tried to explain this to my husband who is finally starting to get that he will be making all the major decisions. But I do find it easy to make decisions for others...weird..So, I think you should do both, like the other ladies said, just not too drastic dieting, and working out is always healthy for a pregnancy. This way you're not wasting any time on any front..Cheers and good luck!

Tina said...

Just like the fellow Libra's I stuggle to make decisions! I can't ever decide on what I want!!! I think focusing on being healthy is such a positive way to approach this. No one has ever been truly negatively affected by eating better and excercising more (it may not be the funnest thing to do though ;)

Good Luck!

Auntie Keri said...

Oh my god, true Libra here as well! I'm laughing so hard right now my dog is looking at me with that cockeyed expression, probably asking himself "WTF?" I'm totally amused because we're having the conversation of what to do for dinner. I'm K by the way! :)

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