And those are little decisions. Big decisions - now those are even worse. I do believe in trusting one's gut - but what do you do when your gut is turned upside down and inside out?
I'm on the fence at the moment, Internetz. As you know, my spawning break is coming to an impending close with the arrival of my next period. This means a return to my good 'friend' the ultrasound wand (henceforth known as Wandy) and of course the many, many needles in the hopes of getting set up for a dIUI.
Here's the thing. During my break I was hoping to really get time to focus on losing some weight and setting myself up with a reasonable exercise routine that I could continue throughout my efforts - and perhaps even into pregnancy should I be so lucky. This really is essential for me. Both the ND and RE have been promoting lifestyle changes.
Not trying to make excuses, but some of the work that was started during my holidays in July were basically thrown out the window in August which turned out to be the MONTH. FROM. HELL. At work.
I had hoped to lose between 5 - 10% of my body weight before we got back into treatments. I'm sure many of you have read the studies that promote that little bit of weight loss being a good thing for those trying to spawn - especially when they have some weight to lose - which I do.
Well due to reverting back to my stress eating ways in August (yes, I know I need to work on that - but that's a whole other post), I'm not quite at my 5% goal. And to be honest I'd hoped to be closer to my 10% by the time I went back to treatments because I know for me personally, that would be even better. That said, I have lost a bit of weight, but likely not enough to be considered significant.
So, here I am. Sitting on the fence. Not able to make a bloody decision for the life of me. Do I wait a bit longer and get down to business hoping that by the end of October I'm at my 5% and on my way to the 10% goal and get started then? Or do I just start when my period (hopefully) arrives at the end of September? Will losing the weight make that much of a difference? Will not losing it make the difference?
My birthday is in October - and I will be 34. There I said it. I don't think 34 is "old" for fertility or otherwise by any stretch - and I'm not a birthday hater. But does age make more of a difference than weight? Would waiting until late October or even November and losing 10% of weight mean more than being 34? Am I making any sense?
God I suck at decisions! I always second guess myself. So, we need a list of pros and cons of waiting even longer to return to spawning:
- Potential for 5 - 10% of weight loss completed by the time I return to treatment.
- Exercise routine on track.
- More time with ND to work with acupuncture and other TCM therapies.
- More time with ND means more time to work on getting my period to arrive naturally and within 35 days.
- Life and work likely to get busier and busier - what if the weight loss/exercise doesn't happen and I'm just wasting month after month.
- Longer time away from needles and Wandy makes me feel very stressed. The longer I wait, the more anxious I may get - or the more terrified I feel to return to all of this.
- Another birthday is coming up. That's not a major issue - but it is what it is.
- What happens if this coming month was THE month? Is that even possible?
But if it doesn't, yours truly has her very first prescription for Provera, which is supposed to be cashed in by CD-35 if my period hasn't arrived. So by then at the latest, I need to know what I'm doing. If we're going ahead with treatment, I'll start the Provera if need be. If we're not, I'll hang on to the prescription and see what acupuncture and nature brings and when.
Oh Internetz, it's lonely on the fence! I know that this is ultimately my decision (our decision - I haven't forgotten about you Irish Boy!) - but now you see how horrific I am at decisions I certainly would appreciate your thoughts.