Thursday, August 13, 2009

What to do?

I know I've already posted once today but I think this merits a second post!

I received a card in the mail the other day from my friend who got married in July. The same friend who announced her pregnancy at the rehearsal dinner. You can read about it here if you're so inclined.

I thought it was a wedding thank you. It wasn't. Inside was a card from "the baby" with a picture of her 9 week ultrasound.

I did not have a meltdown. Score one for me. But I'm not really sure what to do. Do I acknowledge this? How?

Part of me is glad that she's still including Irish Boy and I in her pregnancy just like everyone else. We haven't been exiled to the land of infertiles like we have with some of our other friends. But at the same time is it selfish of me to have my heart break a little bit when I see that picture?

I don't know what I should do. Write a note back to the baby? Say nothing? Internetz, I needs your advice...again!


Jennifer said...

I like your new look!

Maybe it's just that I'm still raw from what's transpired over the past week, but to me it sounds like your friend is either a.) a complete asshole or b.) completely clueless.

Assuming she knows what you and IB are going through it just seems like she's intentionally rubbing salt in the wound. Sending you an ultrasound picture? FROM THE BABY? Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. It comes across as incredibly mean-spirited to me.

I'm all for being happy for someone else's good news, but I think that people should show SOME sensitivity toward friends and family who are having trouble.

Or she's just a moron.

Again, I'm hormonal and still kind of wish I was dead, but my blood is boiling on your behalf. Good on you for not immediately declaring jihad and sending her a care package full of fire ants and mustard gas.

jenicini said...

Wow. Seriously she sent out ultrasound pictures to all of her friends? Half of me completely agrees with Jennifer above. Yep, your friend was an idiot.

I have come to realize that regular women have no effing clue what it feels like to be an IFer. Even when you tell your closest friends every bitty nitty gritty detail--they just don't get that you are slapped in the face on a daily basis by random occurrences in living everyday. You certainly don't need a kick in the proverbial balls from your friends.


Anonymous said...

i just had an idea. next time you have a visit from "THE WAND" ask for a picture. then send it to all your friends as a little note from "the uterus". you can talk about what a party it is in there, because no one knows what will happen next, but how they aren't invited, even though it's like, super awesome, because it's for empty utes only.

Anonymous said...

OR you could go get a colonoscopy and again, ask for a pic. then you can send it to all the cutesy pregger friends and say "i shoved something up my ass, now shove it up all of yours..."

i sure hope auntie comes, because i am so rageful these days i feel like flying out there and giving this lady a piece of my mind. gah! stupid! mean! insensitive!

Mrs Bee said...


I vote for complete moron.

If it was me...I'd be sending a picture of my crappy faulty empty uterus...

But thats just me and I'm *slightly* bitter.

I had a friend come to me the other day admitting that she had an abortion last week and begged me not to hate her. WTF? AFTER listening to Mr Bee and I go on and on and on about how much we want to be parents.

Although their intentions are good, sometimes people just don't think.

Melissa G said...

Jesus was there a list with babiesRus registry included with the u/s picture too?!

Have you ever heard of the Youtube video, Pregnant Women are Smug?

It's pretty funny, and alarming appropriate for this occasion.

I don't think you are obligated to reply to her at all. I wouldn't.

Fertility Chick said...

Ladies, you are the reason I blog, nay live!

I was actually feeling pretty low after I posted this and now I'm honestly laughing so hard I might pee myself. Yeah, I went there.

I thank each of you for your responses - for your rage on my behalf and your seriously excellent suggestions as responses.

She does know what Irish Boy and I are going through - but she's not really a mean-spirited person so I will chalk it up to being completely clueless...but now I feel a little better by starting to feel perhaps as horrified as I should've felt when I first saw it!

Loving the fire ants and mustard gas - and the pic of my empty ute - maybe I can send both?

Now off to watch that YouTube link - thanks Melissa!

junebug said...

This just happened to me last month. My friend sent me and others an email with her first sonogram. I didn't even know she was pregnant. Part of me was happy for her but part of me wanted to set her on fire. Then I had to go to therapy because I felt guilty for wanting to set her on fire. I think it was easier to deal with as an email because I could just email back "congratulations" and have that be the end of it. With a letter, I don't know. I would probably ignore it. If she calls or mentions it then I might say, "Congratulations" but that is the best she could expect from me.
It feels so good to hear that so many other women feel the same rage and saddness. Which makes me normal and not a bad person.(I keep telling myself that anyway) Misery loves company and I am a big old ball of misery and bitterness who is loving this company.

Amaprincess said...

Ugh! Some People SUCK!!! I think sending her a copy of your MANY ultrasounds is GREAT!!!! I would definitely do that! I can't believe how insensitive some people are!! I find myself thinking all the time "did you REALLY just say that?"!!! HUGS to you!!!

P.s. I am sooo going to check out that youtube video!!!

Tina said...

I am so sorry. What an unbelievable thing to do especially that she knows you are trying. If she isn't a mean-spirited person then she is pretty damn clueless. Wow!

If it were me, I would send a picture of the HSG that was done! I would put a few arrows on it. One pointing to my empty ute and one pointing to the area where my left tube once was. Then I would write, "I am very happy for you and your husband and your little one on the way, but to all people who have struggled to get pregnant and with IF, it is a slap in the face, punch to the gut, to get completely unexpected "gifts" from you in the mail!"

Or if you don't want to be labeled as THAT person, maybe just tell her that with all the struggles that y'all are going through, unexpected/unannounced pregnancy related news can be difficult to get!

Anonymous said...

I think you need to do something to nick this in the ass though... you don't need her thinking that she is doing your a favor or something by "sharing" this experience with you. My little sister said some crap about sharing her pregnancy with me every step of the way.. I blocked her on FB (she hasn't even noticed yet! LOL)

i like babyincredible's idea best of sending her something from "the wand" LMAO awesome! and maybe include this article in there too

yes you are pregnant dear friend now please let me go on forgetting about it so I might have a chance in hell of getting knocked up myself without your randomness hitting me up the side of the head!

oh *big sigh* that felt good...

Anonymous said...

I am in shock that some people are that freaking clueless!!! Lucky I'm not the one she sent it too-I would have seriously sent her a copy of the pic of my laparoscopy showing my endo. I love the idea of sending a picture of your next visit with the wand!!

I guess I just don't see how anyone who knows that you're dealing with IF would ever think to send that to you...or to anyone dealing with IF. Of course I don't understand why anyone would send their baby u/s pics to friends in the first place.

Busted Tube said...

While I love the colonoscopy idea I can also see why you might opt for a less intense response. I think people are just clueless. What a weird thing to send in the first place, I mean no one I know has even sent out 20 week ultrasound cards, is this a normal thing within your area?

Fertility Chick said...

I've never received any ultrasound pics (of any of the weeks!) from anyone else I know ever! Sometimes they appear on friends' Facebook pages (as we've all had to endure I'm sure!) - but I've never actually received an actual copy of one addressed just to me!!

Lin said...

Clueless! My boss recently got pg on the first try...when she announced it to everyone she could think of at the company via e-mail. She included an ultrasound pic. I was in the midst of pre-O hormonal crazies and in combo with another moronic comment my BFF (another first try pg) made that day, I did in fact have a bit of a breakdown. So, kudos to you for no breakdown!! Might be a good idea to just politely remind the friend what you're going through and that you're there for her, but maybe just ask before she "force feeds" stuff like that to you. Ugh...clueless, defintely!!

JemLowSF said...

I think her card was in poor taste, period. There are plenty of people who DON'T want to see the sonogram, fertile or not.

Reminds me of the time I went to see a college friend across the country. I show up at her house and she opens the door. She's 7 months preggers. Didn't warn me. I had to hold back the tears. I wanted to kill her.

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