Monday, May 18, 2009

Letter to Jeebus

Dear Jeebus,

So I've just finished IUI #2. Why do I have to over-analyze the whole procedure until my husband (from here forth known as Irish Boy) is ready to strangle me?

I am a true freakshow in any medical procedure. There I was, legs up in stirrups, flashing all of my lady bits when they decide I need to tilt myself up more so I'm instructed to put my fists under my ass. Seriously? Don't you have a pillow for that shit? Apparently not. So now my fists are being swallowed by my ass flab as I'm told to relax as they insert the speculum (aka device from hell).

I ask you this. How the fuck do you relax when you've got some metal being shoved up where the sun don't shine and cranked open? I'm dead serious. How?

In the disaster of all disasters they managed to get the catheter a la sperm up as far as it would go (claiming now that I have a difficult cervix - fuck me), and doing the deed.

And now we wait.

I know I'm supposed to be all "power of positive thinking" and all that, but I honestly don't buy it this month. If things don't work this time, I'm being sent off for a new test where they squirt some saline solution through ladyville to see what's going on up in there.

They also expressed "concerns" about weight -- wondering if it was impeding my response to the meds. Guilt for inhaling all of those DQ Blizzards sets in

So Jeebus, I should be all happy and excited about the possibility of what IUI #2 could bring...but really I'm not. I get to shove progesterone suppositories up where the sun don't shine twice a day until I'm declared pregnant or my period makes its appearance.

I know most people would just tell me to shut the fuck up, and wait and see before I plan ahead. But just so you know...if this one doesn't work, maybe I should start putting my money where my mouth is instead of shoving it full of food and focus on some healthy living and fitness for a month or two.

Thanks for listening.

PS - If my period happens to show up in just under two weeks while I'm away at my work conference, I'm totally getting loaded. Fuck Metformin!


Krissi said...

This is hysterical! ;-)

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